Hsui-Li, our midwife, suggested we talk or sing to our baby so the kid is used to our voice after birth. Elisa loved the idea, but I decided, after very little deliberation, that it was the dumbest thing I had ever heard.

Elisa literally wants me to talk to her stomach.

And last night, she had me in a head-lock about it.

"Talk to the baby."

"No."

"Why? You don't love the baby?"

"No, because the baby doesn't know I'm talking to it."

"But baby needs to hear your voice."

"He's hearing me right now. And pretty soon, baby might even get to hear my angry voice!"

This went back and forth for a while. While baby didn't hear my angry voice, he or she did get treated to my "exasperated" voice.

But eventually, I gave it a shot. I approached her swollen belly. I tapped it twice, leaned up close, and said

"Testing, testing. One, two, three. Testing..."

Elisa gave me a frown. But I continued: "So... What's up? Your mamy wants me to, uh, talk to her stomach. Last week I was supposed to talk to her big toe, so you know how these things go, ha ha! You'll see when you're born. Sometimes, she's not all there."

Okay, this was amusing me, but it wasn't pissing Elisa off. She was annoyed, but not angry. If I was to escape this nightmare, I would have to do far better than this. So I approached the belly again...

"You still there? It's never too early to start learning some swear words. So let's start with 'Fu--"

Elisa cut off the microphone.